SISTER OF - 15 YEAR OLD FINDS $91,000 CASH HIDDEN IN HIS CLOSET !
Does this headline look familiar? Of course it does. You most likely have just seen this story recently featured on a major nightly news program. His sister was looking for CDís he had taken from her and hid them. She started looking in her brothersssssssssssssWEEEEEEEEEEE dup dup dup dup closet and came across a large brown paper bag that was buried beneath some clothes in the back of his closet.
Nothing could have prepared her for the shock she got when she opened it and found it full of cash. Five-dollar bills, dik dik dik dik dik d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-drrrrrrrrrrrrrrBREEEEEEEEEEEE bup bup bup p p p p p twenties, fifties and hundreds. She immediately showed her mother.
"My first thought was that he robbed a bank" says the 47 year old woman, "there was over $91,000 dollars in that bag-ag ag ag ag ag GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR duk duk duk duk k k k k kZWEEEEEEE bupbupbupupupupup.thats more than my husband makes a year" dweee bup bup
The woman called her husband at work to tell him what they had discovered. He came right away and drove together to pick him up at school. Little did they suspect that the money came from was more shocking than actually finding the money !
AS it turns out the boy had been sending out via e-mail, a type of "report" to e-mail addresses that he obtained off the internet. Everyday after school for the past few months he had been doing this on his computer from home.....
"I just got the e-mail one day and I figured what the heck, I put my name on it like the instructions said and I started sending it outoutoutotu, tututututu....WEEEEEEEEEEEEE dut dut dut dut dud dud ud dud dud dud ...
DWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE bup bup bup brrrrrrrrrrrrr d - d - d d-d d=d d-d d d d d d d d d d ZWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE bup bup bup bupppp-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pDRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR- WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, DWEEEEEEE
bup bup bup brrrrrrrrrrrrrbip bip bipipipipipipipi PEEEEEEEEEEEEEE dutdutdutdututututu ZWEEEEEEEE BUPBUP BUPBUPUPUPUPUPUPU PuPuPuPuPuPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR bip
( interviewed by fax ).
(headlines omitted to leave readers no reason to believe that anything is actually being conveyed)
Elbow, MT - A leech-covered man, who shows no indication of having been actually covered with leeches, but who was said by witnesses to be, "Wearing a pretty silly hat on his right knee," escaped from a doughnut store early Wednesday morning. Allegedly. According to witnesses who were reported to be seen seeing the alleged escape.
"He nearly didn't hold the door for me on his way out," exclaimed one excited, angry, and clearly not-in-need-of-more-doughnuts woman at the counter, waiting for her doughnuts.
A more complete tale is told by Mindy, the clerk who waited on the leech-covered man. "First of all, he wasn't covered in leeches. He also didn't have any hats on anything. He did escape, though, right after buying his doughnuts.
"He bought 6 doughnuts, though he called it 'half a dozen,' and I had to ask him to speak in American. Then he took his change, right when I gave it to him, and he took the bag with the six doughnuts, and he just... he just... he LEFT. I don't want to get fired for this. Do you think I'll get fired for this? I didn't even get his name, and I'm not sure what color his
hair was. But that lady," she said, pointing to a towel on the counter, "told me that she thought his hair was blonde."
The lady on the counter, shaped like a towel, refused comment. The fat lady kept on screaming, incessantly, into the reporter's ear, though, about how the man nearly didn't hold the door open for her. And how he had a hat on his knee.
Actual research has uncovered the following information:
When asked to comment on whether or not the use of leeches by supposed former physicians was in any way related to the man's being allegedly covered with leeches, Mindy indicated that she did not believe the man was covered with leeches. The screaming woman fell onto her back and began convulsing. It is assumed that this was caused by the use of the word "Hirudinea" in her presence. The supposed former physicians were unavailable for comment.
Local authorities could not be bothered to stop bothering with their doughnuts to even comment on whether or not they noticed the alleged leech-infested man as he escaped the store.
UP TO DATE NEWS AS IT HAPPENS:
[Please Note: This ENTIRE DOCUMENT was originally written in ALL CAPS. The Urgency of this approach is to be appreciated. Thank You.]
An unidentified person, or persons is currently being found dead in the northern part of, of... erm, err... Our man, or persons, is on on the scene:
"We have quite literally just arrived at this warehouse to purchase pork chops, and are in the process of discovering the death of persons, or persons in question. We are acting quite surprised, and treating the discovery with looks of bewilderment, and respectable hushed tones."
Details are not known yet, and TV's top Criminal Pathologist, Quincy Jones M.D., refuses to be drawn into the speculation from his Jazz/Bop studio in Maine, with the following statement:
"I'm not a Pathologist, although I do play one on TV. Clearly the man, woman or other is being found dead, and I feel it is unwise to speculate further at this point. You only have to look at O.J. to realize this."
Friends and family, [POSSIBLY THOSE OF THIS LIFELESS CADAVER] are not yet known, and they refuse to comment, saying:
"We haven't been found yet, and possibly we have nothing to do with this tragic moment, but it is clear that this person or persons was a good man, woman, or other, who was loved by us/his real family. Parts of this rotting corpse show clear signs of having a warm and gentle smile. You only have to look at O.J. to realize that."
IN OTHER STORIES:
[Please Note: This portion of the document has been left in its original, abundantly capitalized form.]
"WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU M'AM"
WINONA RYDER'S LEFT BREAST EXPLODES, EMITTING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS INTO A LOCAL CHARITY'S BANK ACCOUNT
"THIS TOWN AINT BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US"
THE MAYOR OF THE WORLD'S SMALLEST TOWN IS TODAY WARNING THE 2 REMAINING RESIDENTS TO SHAPE UP & LAY OFF THE CORN CHIPS
"MISSING, PRESUMED NON-EXISTANT"
SCIENTISTS HAVE CONCLUDED THEIR RESEARCH INTO THE POSSIBILITY THAT NON-EXISTANT THINGS MIGHT ACTUALLY EXIST
MORE, OR LESS, FROM SQUUB AS THESE DELICATE STORIES TRAGICALLY BREAK