05.24.2004
earthquake
can almost not
stand up straight
got these
lines connecting my motions
to different portions of a life
than before
subtle changes creeping up
those ants so small
you nearly can't see them,
don't see them
you're looking right at them
and they're all over
but you don't see them
until that shifting focus from your eyes sees and
oh! there, it's all moving
like that my feet right out from under me
the floor jerked out
Our nephew, my wife's sister's son, six months old, was here this weekend with his parents. I was distraught at first, then I just kept wanting to carry him around and listen to him make noises and let him chew on my finger and stare with those big blue eyes at everything. And here I am having a house and three bedrooms (though one's an office) and a basement and mowing the lawn and weeding and making lists of what to fix and what to change and here I am in front of this screen again.
The ground really just shakes underneath, doesn't it? There's always an earthquake, just happened or about to, and in between there's just these tremors and it's hard to keep upright sometimes. The thing hits and suddenly what upright IS becomes hard to figure out; is that light the sky or some barebulb still not shattered in a room somewhere? Are my feet resting against a wall or the floor?
It's strange when plans slide into place, mysteriously happening as arranged. It's not something I've gotten used to. This is earthquake weather though, from back in January and I don't know when it's going to change, maybe in twenty five or thirty years I'll look up from the work I've got my head in and see that it's time for an update, time to take stock and count my fingers. Or not. Or my footing gets easier now and suddenly I understand what's up and what's down and some of what's up is what's always been up. It's strange, though, wondering if there's even one thing from the me I was when plans never slid into place because I never bothered to make them that's going to remain constant through all of this.
