02.11.2003

Build a Fort for Uncle Sam

President George W. Bush, and Secretary of Homebase Security Tom Ridge, asked over the weekend that every American build a fort in his or her home to support the war effort. The fort should be built preferably in the living room or recreation room, with cardboard boxes, sofa cushions, shower curtains, duct tape, and maybe some pillows and blankets.

"While we've elevated our national favorite color to orange," said Ridge, "it's okay if you have to use other colored materials to build your fort." In fact, Ridge continued, any color materials are fine, as long as the fort will be big enough to hold your entire family, a flashlight, some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and maybe some squirt guns that look real.

"We're trying to give you a false sense of security," said a spokesman for the Department Of Homebase Security, "and there's nothing that feels more secure than a really cool fort in your living room." When asked if a radio should be brought into the fort, he responded, "Only if your entire family enjoy the same music. In that case, definitely. Otherwise you might want to bring your gameboy, or something like that." Immediately following his statements the spokesman was shot in the back of the head by an unidentified assailant.

While Americans are being asked to prepare their forts and enjoy themselves, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld says that everyone should remember that this isn't a national camping trip. "We're facing serious issues, here," he said. "Remember you're indoors. Don't try starting a camp-fire to make s'mores. I think they make s'more flavored Pop-Tarts now, so maybe you could pick some of those up along with your tape."

"This is going to be Awesome," President Bush said through a plastic cup attached to a string. "I've got a couple of months' worth of X-Men Comics to read, and these Secret Service guys are supposed to hold my flashlight for me. I think that we, as Americans, can feel proud to be embarking on a campaign to lead the world in interhome fort building. In addition, while I'm in here, I've got some scientists down in the basement working on some hydrogen-powered flashlights. Notice I said 'hydrogen,' not, 'nukular.'"

The first family's fort is a tent design, built of an American flag and the flag of Texas held together with red, white, and blue duct tape. Bush would not comment on where he'd gotten the colored tape.

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