02.11.2003

Whorehouse Chaos Pimps Disappointed and Dripping with Lard

A phenomenon has been brought to our attention recently. Disappointed whorehouse chaos pimps have been seen running out into city streets at night, shirtless and with lard dripping from their outstretched hands. It's happening in Queens, it's happening in Chicago, in Soho, in Paris, and of course in Tokyo (where we believe the whole thing started.) This trend is causing problems for innocent street walkers who are being forced to face the wrath of their pimps while also trying to keep themselves free of lard. Customers aren't buying the lard-drenched hookers, it seems. (This fetish is sure to develop in time, but what prostitute wants to deal with a sick freak who likes to see her covered with lard?)

A number of solutions are being discussed amongst law enforcement agencies world-wide. The most obvious is that existing laws against the selling of sex be more thoroughly enforced. However, aside from the obvious logistical problems with this, it would also prevent the cops from being able to get their nasty on with whores on slow nights. A more practical solution that we're offering here (free of charge!): GET THE LARD OFF THE FUCKING STREETS, ALREADY. Why's this shit not outlawed? Jesus christ, we're not supposed to smoke pot but we can get lard in CANS in the fucking supermarket. The hypocrisy of this world knows no bounds.

.link.